Toronto #9

Bloody hell, now that was a surprise! Finding out that Donald Trump had won the election was quite a shock to wake up to earlier this week, I can tell you. To be honest, with shocking mass decisions like Brexit and Trump, plus a ridiculous number of famous actors and musicians passing away, 2016 hasn’t been that great a year, really.

Well, at least in general. Personally speaking, I think it’s turned out surprisingly well, which is why I’ll continue focusing on the personal stuff. With all the crap that’s going on in the world, sometimes, focusing on your own life is the best you can do.

I’m afraid it’s been another quiet week, so with most of it focused on work, plus listening and reading Doctor Who (with the occasional watch of Mr. Robot), there’s not a whole lot to talk about, at least in terms of what I’ve been up to.

I will admit something though – despite the fact that I’ve been planning this working holiday for close to a year, and despite the fact that I’ve lived here in Toronto for close to two months now, it’s only in the past week that, I think, it’s really started to sink in that I’m actually living here.

The main reason for this is gaining my first job in Canada. Before, there was the job hunt to keep me busy. I came here with no real guarantee that I would find a job in time before I had to go back home with a lack of funds, although I was certainly confident that I could find something.

But coming here was more than just trying to find a sense of independence or explore part of my roots, as it were. It was also about facing my anxiety and self-doubt, about seeing the worst case scenario, just saying “Fuck it!” and doing it anyway. If there was anything I had learned from my time in improv, it was definitely that.

But now, with the job, that fear of not quite making it, while not entirely gone (especially when I’m working in a temporary role), it has faded considerably. And here’s the funny thing: the fear of failure has gone, but something else has replaced it, to a small extent. For lack of a better way to describe it, it’s a fear of success.

Working and living as an adult in another country, far away from my friends and family, has brought many questions which I had avoided back home. Am I making the most of myself? Can I continue to work on and improve myself, or fall back into bad, lazy habits? Can I continue to be more confidant, or will there come a point where I let my anxiety get the better of me, as I have done so many times in the past?

I think, more than anything, this fear is why I came to Canada, far away from my family and my closest friends. I know I’ve improved on myself in recent years, mainly with the help of my friends. I want to continue that improvement, and see what I can do on my own. Really see how far I can go.

Admittedly, this has been rather tricky to do while waiting for my first payday. One of the things I certainly plan on doing as soon as I can is find and join another improv comedy club, as the Laughter Academy in Southend really pushed me in terms of confidence, and it’s something I’d love to continue doing.

Other than that, there won’t be too much that I’ll see myself getting up to over the next couple of months. Even if my current job lasts longer than a month, I’d like to spend some time saving before working on what I can start doing next.

But I still intend for this blog to be a weekly thing, which means I still plan on doing enough to write about. While I don’t have anything sorted out for next week at the moment, I have sorted myself out with a ticket to see one of my favourite current bands, Steel Panther, at the end of the month. I must admit, that’s something I’m really looking forward to.

In the meantime, and however bad the world gets, I hope everyone continues to enjoy themselves and make the best they can with everything they’ve got.

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